This one is a game changer.

It is time to change how the game is played!!! Within this video, I will show you how to defeat a narcissist at their own game with my totally unique strategy. Never be a victim of manipulation or coercion again.

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Discover The Two main disguises of the male Narcissist part 2.

If ever there was a disguise that a male Narcissist could easily hide himself in, it is this one and the worse thing is you just can’t get enough of him and love him for it.

Since James Dean first let a lit cigarette hang out the corner of his  mouth and scared parents with his wild behaviour and Elvis shocked the older generation with his black leather hip gyrating a new type of male was born into society. This new male was able to turn the heads of sensible young woman and good girls of the day and cause them to reject the nice, clean cut and aspirational young men who had until now gentle pursued them. Yes the “bad boy” was here to stay, if only for a night or two until he moved onto the next girl.

Now if ever there was a conundrum that has vexed many men and a few woman, it is the appeal of the bad boy!! He is exciting, a bit dangerous and unpredictable and you just never know where you are with him. Now prepare yourselves for a shock here, for a lot of woman those lesser qualities are actually a real turn on.  After all he is wild and dangerous, not one for sitting around and you know that a night out with him, will be one you will not forget!! I worked with a girl many years ago who loved dating bad boys, “I love it, they really keep me, on my toes”, I overheard her say with a tone of total excitement.

Yes from the dawn of movies, Hollywood has been using the bad boy stereotype to glamorise bad behaviour in men. It has not changed and still goes on today. Look at how James Bond was reshaped in the images of Daniel Craig’s bad boy Bond, a total reinvention through and though. Craig’s Bond is a lifetime away from the near camp antics of Roger Moore. Also consider the mass appeal of one of the most high functioning psychopaths ever to grace our movie screens (Christian Grey), yep sorry hate to break it to you, but our Christian is not exactly a well-balanced person, he is in therapy for a start. Not that any of that matters enough to dampen Christian’s appeal, as no matter how unbalanced our Mr Grey, he’s legions of fans were bound (no pun intended) to fall in love with the idea of dating the ultimate bad boy.

So is it the untamed spirit, or the wild animalistic nature, or that spark of electricity they seem to produce in so many woman which makes these men so attractive? The short answer is you can actually take your pick and to a degree as it does not really matter, as a character they just work and woman fall for them. There are about 100000 other posts about why woman fall for bad boys and they are probably all correct. Our concern today is not why you fall for them, but what else are you letting in the door?  

You see here in lays the problem, roughish bad boy behaviour often hides deep insecurity and Narcissistic abuse. Just as we discovered within the first part of this post, it is easy for a Narcissist to disguise himself as a strong male, it is even easier for a Narcissist to disguise himself as a bad boy.

Recognise this guy?

Slightly arrogant, loves to be in the driving seat and call the shots, smouldering underneath and that slight hint of aggression that attracts and excites. He can choose to be the life of the party, with a hint of moodiness and a roughish element to him. Can hold the attention of the room and more than capable of running a large company, with a volatile edge if he’s plans do not pay off. Will often be a leader and make decisions, but does not like them second guessed. He can be ambivalent about relationships and not show emotion, but will tell you he loves you. Make large overblown romantic gestures, but break dates and even flirt with other woman.

So who is that the latest romantic bad boy lead in a new movie, or that total Narcissist who you dated for 9 months, who gave you hell but you kept going back for more?

This is the real problem isn’t it, this disguise is so effective and now I will tell you why it is. It is not actually a disguise many so called “Bad boys” actually possess many Narcissistic traits. This is where the lines become so blurred, that you almost cannot pull the two apart. I have met guys like these, hung out with them and seen them in action. Two of the men who I grew up with, who were so successful with woman, were also the most rude, arrogant and abusive towards them. Yet they never went home alone. They were boundary less and seemed to just have a natural appeal, they were forces of nature and the woman loved them and put up with all manner of bad behaviour and always took them back. They smoke, drank, took drugs, rode motorbikes and both had the same wild stare. Woman adored them and at the same time, they were both borderline psychopaths with multiple commitment issues.

So what do you do, how do you avoid this Narcissistic type and never fall victim to him again?

This really is a tough one, as unlike the pseudo strong male, this mask will not slip, he will just keep living this life and continually abuse you, as much as you let him.

If there is a solution to avoiding this, it is (it always is) to do with you than them. You need to wake up. You need to wake up to the reality of the fantasy that has been laid out for you by the media. Bad boys in films and literature are there to appeal to woman and as a marketing ploy this works. Women want them and men want to be them. There is even a well-known publishing house who have released a guide to writing romantic fiction.  The guide states “When writing a great romance start like this: Boy meets girl, boy is rude to girl, girl gets angry at boy, boy and girl make up, boy and girl end up together. How many romantic films and books start this way? From day one they have hardwired you into looking for a guy who is rude to you and can presses your buttons. As you have been told that after this, you will make up and all will be rosy, it won’t be!!  

Now it is often the same for Narcissists, I have known woman who are so attracted to the “bad Boy” behaviour that even after they have been abused by their resident Narcissist, they still find them exciting, attractive and would go back to them!! For some woman, no one does it like a Bad Boy Narcissist and never will.

The problem is that when you open your eyes, this is not a very good long term plan and eventually you get to a stage in life, maybe its age or you just have enough of this behaviour, where you do seek someone strong and dependable. I once dated a girl, who said and I quote “It is only now I could date a strong and secure man like you , I have only just wanted bad boys up until the last few years” and she was in her mid 40`s!!

There is not really an answer here, I am sorry to tell you, I don’t actually have a great NLP or therapy technique for this one, other than to say that you just need to start to ground yourself in reality. These people will not change, so please do not fall into the old trap of “I can change him” you can’t!!! They will not change as their strategy works for them and always will.

Yes the romantic appeal of the “bad boy” will be forever sold to woman around the world, but beware because within so many of these “bad boys”, there lives a true Narcissist and maybe you cannot have one without the other. Within my book “Monsters Live Amongst us”, I quote a line from the movie The Lost Boys “Never Invite a Vampire into your home, it renders you powerless”

If you would like support with any areas which I have covered, you can contact me directly, I work one to one or on skype. My latest book (Monsters Live Amongst us 5 star Amazon Rating) is also available on Amazon 

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Discover the 2 main disguises of the male Narcissist. Part 1.

So how did you end up in a relationship with a male Narcissist? Easy you did not know that he was one? As, when you first met him, he wore one of two brilliant disguises which will get past your radar every time and always will.

Let me tell you a very short and true story and I promise there is a point to this. This is something that I once did for my ex girlfriend. One day I went out and bought her a new dress without her knowing, I hung it up in hall way of her house and left it for her with a note, so she would see it when she got in. She came home and found the dress hanging up with the hand written note, which simply said

“The children are with your parents, I have made plans for us, wear this and Ill pick you up at 7pm”.

She phoned me up in tears and said,

 “Oh my God, do you know what you have just done?”, “You have just given me time to relax and be a woman and not a mum for once. That is so important and feels so good as it is so nice not to have to just make a decision and have someone take care of everything for me”

Now why did I tell you about that? Well when I did that, I was confident and self-assured enough to know that it would be received positively by my then partner. I also knew the importance of making assertive and positive decisions within a relationship and how much it would mean for her to not to have to make a decision and that she was happy for me to take over.

Do you ever feel like that, do you ever feel as though it would be great to just have someone come and make some of the decisions, take over some responsibilities, so you could just relax more? Of course you do, everyone does.     

Well the problem is that Narcissists are also aware of this need within you as well and they use this to their advantage. A male Narcissist can come along into your life and present as a really strong assertive self-assured male and initially you think, “Great this guy is so confident, I love his confidence and the fact that he will do these things for me”. You think that you have found a strong male. But you have not, as when a Narcissist breezes into your life and initially appear strong and make decisions, what they are attempting to do is take control of your life and you. This “pseudo confident male” is one of the first great disguises of a male Narcissist and a tactic they use to compensate for their lack of self-worth and a great way to take control.

The evening that I planned had a positive intent to it, it was done for the highest reasons: to allow another person to feel relaxed and enjoy an evening. I created something positive for us as a couple, to bring us closer together. Now a Narcissist could actually do something very similar, but if they did it, their intention would come from a much darker place, that of control and manipulation.

Many male Narcissists, will come along and initially do a great many things for you, but they will do this with the intent of making themselves relevant to your life, so you in turn will then start to rely on them as they gain a foot hold on your world. “Picking up the kids from school, so you can work ect”. Suddenly they are a solid fixture and part of your routine. But then something happens, they slowly start to show their true nature as the mask slips, but by then it is already too late and your fake strong and confident male has a solid grip on your world and has started to infect and poison your mind and world.

 So there really is only one question which you need to ask at this point. How do I spot a real genuine strong self-assured and confident male, from a Narcissist faking it?

When I first wrote my book “Monsters Live Amongst us” I wanted it to be a self-defence manual for people to be able to sport Narcissists coming a mile off. The reason being was that I was asked by so many of my clients to do this, so I designed several chapters around spotting abuse and abusers. It is actually easier than you think and there are two ways of spotting a male Narcissist, who disguises himself as a strong and genuine male.

   1. Test him: The relationship I was in at the time when I arranged this night out was a good one and our communication was good. We used to be able to tease and banter with each other. Now had I bought the dress and arranged the night and my then girlfriend had come home and phoned me and said,

 “Lovely thought babe, I really appreciate this, but I`m tired and much prefer a night in” 

My reaction would have been disappointed, but I would have understood her and got it. 

Or maybe if she had phoned up and teased me about the dress and said,

 “Really honey, you want to see me in that thing tonight? Good luck? Good try babe I’ll be ready but the dress is not really me”, 

I would have thought it funny and checked I still had the receipt.  It would not have rocked or dented my confidence and I would have been happy to see her in whatever she had worn and maybe next time, chosen more carefully. 

Now if you are dealing with a guy with Narcissistic intent and you tested him in any way or tried altered the plans, you will quickly find out who you really have on your hands. As the pretend self-assured guy vanishes and the card carrying Narcissist steps forward and rants and raves at your, or sulks or worse manipulates you into what they want.

Woman often test a male and it’s a good thing they do, it’s how you find the measure of a man. Can he laugh at himself, can he be flexible and still remain balanced and self-assured. Does he know what he wants in life and does he obtain it morally, through positive means? When you are dealing with a Narcissist he will quickly fall whenever you test him, let me give you a recent dating experience of mine and how I reacted.

In my life, I have had dates cancel on me, sometimes at the last minute and I have never heard from them again. I have had someone ask me out, then vanish 24 hours before the date! I have even had one woman tell me that she thought I was “The one and that she wanted to have a relationship with me” after just one date and then just 2 days later she told me “that she had decided that she was not ready to date and didn`t want a relationship with anyone”. She then appeared on a dating site within days of telling me this!! 

My reaction was not to call her on this, or rant or rave or shame her, because I am centred and have high self-worth. I did not internalise this as about me and could see that she had no idea who she was or what she wanted at this time. Now how do you think a Narcissist would respond to such a test of their self-worth and confidence?

2. Just say “No” So say I had received an outright “No” that evening after all the trouble I had gone to. Say I had just received a call and she had said,

“Lovely thought, but I`m exhausted and really want a night to myself. I can see you have gone to a lot of trouble, I love the dress but love the idea of a night to myself without the children even more”? 

So ok, my plans and ideas did not quite hit the mark, yes again I would have felt disappointed, but I would have rationalised it. I would have “Understood and Empathised”.

When you face a Narcissist with the word “NO”, it just sends them into a rage, for to them, the word NO, is the ultimate in rejection. They could not for one minute comprehend that another person would have feelings and a mind of their own and just internalise it all as I am being rejected.

This is so fundamental to spotting a Narcissist who has disguised himself as pseudo strong male. The word “No” will just highlight that lack of empathy within them and this is a major red flag.

It’s so seductive, when you think you have someone new in your life, who appears confident and strong and just seems to know what you want and comes along and seems to just fit in. But be careful, it is a story I hear time and time again from people who were vulnerable from their past relationship, abuse or trauma falling for “fake strong males". Remember arrogance, loud or aggressive language or behaviour is not strength, it usually just masks deep rooted insecurities.

If you would like support with any areas which I have covered, you can contact me directly, I work one to one or on skype. My latest book (Monsters Live Amongst us 5 star Amazon Rating) is also available on Amazon 

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Understanding a Coercive and Toxic relationship

I recently watched the Channel 4 Drama " I am Nicola". It is a powerful and emotional story of what it is like to live within a coercive and toxic relationship. The actor's portrayals are both terrifying and incredibly accurate. If you really want to understand the pain and manipulation of living with a Narcissist, then I recommend watching this drama. It is currently available to watch on All 4.

Watch a clip from "I am Nicola" on YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StFs7kjNXGE

If you would like support with any areas which I have covered, you can contact me directly, I work one to one or on skype. My latest book (Monsters Live Amongst us 5 star Amazon Rating) is also available on Amazon 

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The real reason you attract and are repeatedly abused by Narcissists and your magic bullet to freedom

Have you ever wondered why or how you seem to end up the victim of Narcissistic abuse time and time again? It seems that no matter what job you start, or whoever you date, you appear to attract people who are abusive towards you. You almost feel as though that you are nothing more than a magnet for Narcissists and are pretty much doomed to fail in all of your activities due to the abusive people around you. If this is you I have some very bad news for you, but I will also show you a way out!!

I am sorry to have to break this to you if you are someone who is a victim of Narcissistic abuse time and time again, then there is something which you are carrying around within you and it screams out to every Narcissist in a 5-mile radius “Here I am come and abuse me”. Generally what you are carrying is a weakness in your thoughts, maybe due to past experiences which have given you a lack of self-worth or respect.

This low self-esteem hangs over you like a large neon sign and a Narcissist will spot it like a shark can sense blood. Most Narcissists will also have an incredible lack of self-esteem themselves, so it is really easy for them to recognise it in you and exploit it.  Generally, Narcissists are attracted to those people who do not even recognise that they have low self-worth as it is much easier to manipulate them. You will tell yourself, I am a successful person I am strong and confident, but they will spot something in you, which may be even you have not seen. They will spot the house of card which you have built for yourself around your weak ego and knock it down, with one manipulative blow.

So many of my clients who come to see me are incredibly successful people in their own right, but have been abused in the worst ways and cannot work out why. They will hold good positions at work, be seen as strong people and some may even be therapists themselves, but there is a part of themselves which they have not faced and challenged, yet!!

A lot of the time, we are also talking about people who have “Good Girl or Nice Guy Syndrome”, or people pleasers. You are over conscientious in not wanting to hurt other people and you may even have a fear of upsetting other people. For the Narcissist this is an especially potent cocktail (Hidden low self-esteem and people pleasing) as they can abuse you as much as they like and know that no matter how bad their behaviour they can pull your strings and win you back, as you will not want to ever hurt them back!!

It can actually get much worse than this as not only will you accept the abuse, you will go back time and time again for more abuse. Have you ever wondered why you fall under the Narcissists spell, even if they have repeatedly abused you?  Your low self-worth coupled with your over pleasing nature compels you to be drawn back into their dark web of pain and manipulation. All the Narcissist has to do is to play out one of their many pantomimes (Cry, act hurt, scream, beg, plead, manipulate) and you will just obediently go trotting back to them. After all it is too much for you to bare to see another person displeased with you, when all you have to do to fix it and make the pain go away, is do as they ask. They have you dangling and just keep pulling your strings until they wish to just cut them and move on. Of course, when they do this it leaves you feeling even abandoned and even lower than before and desperate for any attention especially theirs and so the cycle is repeated.

Is all of this starting to sound familiar to you? If so keep reading, as actually breaking out of this cycle of abuse can be done, but it does take some work.

 We do not want to look at the darker side of our own nature, as for many people, it is too scary a recess to even admit exists.  But actually it might just be the key to your salvation here, within my book (Monsters Live Amongst us) I talk about “going over to the Narc side” now I am not advocating that you start exemplifying narcissistic behaviour, but you do need to strap on a helmet, bulletproof your ego and start firing some shots of your own.

If you are ever going to stop being a victim of abuse, then you need to be prepared to step into the arena and not be afraid of doing some damage yourself. Now again I am not talking about actually committing physical harm. But I am telling you now, you will need to be prepared to see your abuser suffer right before your eyes (Well at least pretend to), remember it is just a pantomime for them.  

This is actually really hard, as we have lost our ability in modern times to go to war, we are always told that we need to be virtuous and good; this will not cut it with an abuser. We are told that karma will take care of them and living well is the best defence. We also instinctively want to comfort others when they appear in pain (Woman as caregivers and men as protectors). Sorry to break this to you, but we are actually through the looking glass here and if you are to ever change your world, then standing in your ground and firing your magic silver bullet repeatedly at your abuser is your only chance of escape. But you do not only have to be prepared to fire it, you need to stand and watch the effects of it without giving in and pulling the bullets back out.

So let me hand you your greatest ammunition now that will end all of your abuse in one split second.

No, there you go, that is it, that is all you need the word NO, it is like kryptonite to a Narcissist and will most likely drive them totally over the edge. It is a simple word, but to use it, you really need to mean it. When you use it, you need to drive your defiance in deep and make sure it stays stuck in there. But how do you do this, how do you make your No hit its mark and have the right effect, simple? When your Narcissist starts their manipulative gameplay, you fire off another No, nothing else, no explanation no reasoning, no negotiation, just fire off another No and keep firing them off, until you finish them off.

When I learnt the rules of dealing with narcissists effectively and started doing this, the effects were terrifying, it was like watching a dying creature writhing in agony before me when I confronted my resident Narcissist with the all-powerful No. They twisted and turned, they accused, cried howled attacked they tried to hide, evade and used every trick in the Narcissists handbook, but I held my ground and I just kept I firing off more and more No’s without any explanation. I was not going to justify why I was not going to conform to their will any more and it drove them off. I kept going and eventually, they just seemed to lose all of their power and control over me.

The problem is that doing this takes some strength and you have to be prepared to do that one thing you are uncomfortable with, watch another person appear to be in pain in front of you. My Narcissist howled and cried at the “unfairness” (Always be aware of that word) of my actions and how could I be so cruel. The reality of the situation was that I was not being cruel; I had just stood up for myself and was no longer willing to be abused. They knew in the past that whenever they had behaved this way I had caved in, but this time I was bulletproof and I was now prepared to stand and watch them suffer as they had made me suffer for months on end.

It is not an easy thing to stand up to your abuser and mentally you need to be strong enough and in the right place. It also takes great support and preparation, but ultimately doing this will allow you to start taking back all of your power and control. So start practising firing off a few No bullets, just on the small things, no explanation, remember you do not need to justify your actions, you just need to start cutting the strings yourself one No at a time.

Take care and stay grounded in reality.  

If you would like support with any areas which I have covered, you can contact me directly, I work one to one or on skype. My latest book (Monsters Live Amongst us 5 star Amazon Rating) is also available on Amazon 

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ARE YOU A NARCISSIST? THE TWO QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE TOLD THAT YOU ARE A NARCISSIST

I see so many people posting on boards and emailing me, telling me that they need to come and see me for therapy as they are a Narcissist, that is almost an epidemic. This is the reason why I have written this blog post Normally someone will contact me after they have been told by someone (normally a Narcissist) that they are themselves a Narcissist. If this is the case then here is the one thing you can do to find out if you are.

Ask yourself this, “If I am a Narcissist, what I am going to do to change myself?

Now notice what answers come back to you? If your answers were anything along the lines of  “going to seek help, visit a therapist, talk to friends, buy a book or talk to others”, then you are doing this as you believe that you a Narcissist and wish to make changes.

So, if you wish to make any changes to modify your behaviour, then this is actually great news for you, as it means that you are not a Narcissist!! Let me repeat that. If you believe that you are a Narcissist and want to make changes, then you are not a Narcissist. For actually wishing to change your behaviour is never a trait that a Narcissist ever entertains.

Now as I said in my latest book, we can all hold minor Narcissistic traits, but a true Narcissist is a totally different kind of person altogether. For a start, they do not believe that any of their behaviours are wrong and would not be questioning them.

A Narcissist, will see no problem with their actions and will never entertain the idea that they need to change.

So ask yourself “Are you comfortable with committing manipulative and abusive actions and behaviours”?

Only a Narcissist would not answer “No” to this question. Why would they, what they do works for them. They know who they are already and are ok with that.

This second question will reconfirm for you that you are not a Narcissist. Only a real Narcissist is happy and comfortable with the abuse they commit and will not look to change. If they ever did ask this question then they would just find excuses for their behaviour.   

The very fact that you are questioning yourself means that you are not a Narcissist; Think of this as a positive Catch-22.

Please understand that for a Narcissist to reframe you as the Narcissist is the ultimate act of power, control and manipulation.  It is for them a total game-changing move, they have moved all the focus off of themselves and onto you, leaving them free to run riot and carry on with their manipulative and abusive behaviour.

It is difficult when we feel that we are lost and alone and trying to find answers, but this is not the answer that you need. If you are really starting to question who you are to such a degree that you are even willing to take on board that you are a Narcissist, then maybe it is time that you seek some help. It can be very hard when we have been in an abusive relationship and we will often lose ourselves and forget just who are. Always remember this is exactly what a Narcissist wants, they want you to forget who you are so they can then reshape and remould you. When they have you in this state of total self-loss, It is at this point that they will then start to release the ultimate Narcissistic distortion upon you “Telling you that you are a Narcissist”

So whenever you are told that you are a Narcissist by anyone, if it bothers you and it starts to make you question yourself, then you are NOT a Narcissist.

The help that you may actually require, will be to rediscover who you are, self-healing, therapy and mediation are great pathways for this. Please do not let anyone reframe or remould you into something which you are not.

For any help with Narcissist abuse, contact me directly from my website.

My latest book on how to heal from Narcissistic abuse is currently available on Amazon, in paperback and download. 

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What to do If you have a covert Narcissist in your family part 2. PREPARE FOR WAR!!!

THIS ONE IS GOING TO HURT 

I recently wrote a blog regarding what to do if you have a covert Narcissist in your family and no one believes you. Within days it was viewed by over 6000 people. Since the post was released I have received calls texts, emails and clients all wanting further help on how to help if you have a covert Narcissist within your family.

So I wanted to write a follow-up blog, for everyone who has messaged me so far in what are the best courses of action to take.

I will warn you, this blog will not be an easy read for many people, but of those who have suffered abuse, then they will know their options are limited.

The first thing that you need to do is to acknowledge that this person is not going anywhere. If you have a covert Narcissist within your family,  you may well be in an inescapable relationship with them. This person could be a sister or brother in law, daughter or Son in law. You may even realise that one of your blood relatives could be a Narcissist, it could be one of your parents, your cousin or even a brother or sister.

This first step is important, as the usual tactics that we use to get rid of Narcissists are not going to work, they are like luggage and we have possibly got them for life. If you suspect that a partner or a friend is abusing you, you can actually get rid of them pretty quickly when you are in the right state of mind, but you cannot get rid of a sister or parent that quickly. So it becomes all about state management.

When I talk of state management, I am referring first of all to your state of mind. Now, this is not going to be an easy read so bunker yourself in. If you have a Narcissist within your family then you need to upgrade your mindset and take yourself to a whole new level.

1. Prepare for war, this is the only way in which you are going to be able to deal with this person. They are your enemy and no matter what you do, you are never going to obtain a positive result from them.

The problem is that we are no longer prepared for war or for battle, any more and we have lost the ability to fight. No one wants conflict and as a conflict resolution consultant, I fully appreciate the benefits of resolving our issues peacefully and by talking and listening. However you are not dealing with a Normal person here, you are dealing with, a Narcissist and taking the passive and peaceful route is the road to disaster.

Now as I said in the last blog post, you may be the only one who has spotted the abuse so far. It takes a very switched on and intelligent person to spot a family covert Narcissist and an even stronger person to stand up to them and do something about it. So when you are in preparation, accept that you will need to spend some time alone with your thoughts until you feel comfortable that you have found other people to share your thoughts with. When you have found support through friends, family, or any otherwise counsel then you need to put yourself on a war footing.

2. Make sure that you are mentally strong enough to fight. Within my book (Monsters Live Amongst us) I list various methods and self-help techniques for making sure that you are emotionally and physically strong enough to do battle with this person. Narcissists are natural energy Vampires and can be mentally exhausting to deal with. Sometimes when you have just been in the company of a Narcissistic person, you will come away feeling almost physically unwell. This is part of their assault on you; they drain you until you are too tired to fight.  So whenever you know you are going to be in the company of a Narcissist, make sure you are mentally and physically strong.

3. Stay Calm and Centred It is important that you know how to keep your mind focused and strong and not allow them to move you emotionally. If they are going to press your emotional buttons then this is going to start draining your energies. You have to remain in control of your thoughts and not allow them to move you emotionally.

4. Keep yourself grounded in reality. Whenever I see a visiting client, I teach them how to stay grounded in reality and ensure that everyone around them also does. Narcissists will distort yours and everyone else’s reality. If you are versed in how to drag them from their Narcissistic comfort zones calmly and not participate in their drama’s then very soon you are going to start to take background here.

5. Be prepared to partake in verbal Jujitsu. There is nothing more than the Narcissist loves than to go into verbal public combat with another person. They are adept at all manner of verbal subterfuge and backstabbing, which will leave you agreeing to all manner of reality-distorting nonsense. You have to look for and spot their non-arguments and challenge and reject their verbal Trojan Horses.

6. Be firm and direct, but never aggressive. The last thing you ever wish to do is become hostile or aggressive with a covert Family Narcissist, this will just play into their hands. If you rant and rave, scream and shout, you will end up looking like the person who has issues. Now if the family Narcissist suspects you are on to them, they will have already started to lay traps and hinted to other people in the family that you’re the one with issues.

7. Let your allies come to you. If you set out on a campaign to inform everyone in your family there is a Covert Narcissist within the fold, then it can be the road to ruin. You have to let them verbally hang themselves time and time again. Now if you are clever and keep shining a light on the reality distortions others will start to see what is happening. You can educate other people, with blogs and books, but until they see it themselves it will never really sink in.

8. Never let your guard down and always be ready for war. You are not going to change this person and they would rather go down in flames taking you down before they pack up their tents and leave. It is never, ever going to get any better, I know that is hard, but it is also the only way you will survive. When you are in their company, be on your guard. Everything they say and do will be for a reason. Nothing they do or say will ever be by accident, it will have purpose and intent. 

9. Make sure you conserve your energies when away from them. War is hard and mentally exhausting and you cannot always live every moment of your life in a state of war. Take time to relax, have fun and be around those positive people who support and love you. However do not become complacent, you will have to go back into your fighting stance again, being refreshed and relaxed is the best way to do this.   

10. Finally, remember some people will never want to see it. It is a hard fact for some people to be able to fully accept that a person within the family has a borderline personality disorder, especially if the person is also high functioning. I have known Narcissists hold down successful positions in life, be wives, fathers, mothers, sisters. I have known Narcissists to land jobs in the care profession and be described as kind and caring.  

There are those people who have low self-esteem who have fallen under the spell of a Narcissist and feel lucky to be with them. They are fascinated with their Narcissist girlfriend/ boyfriend and actually fear losing her, no matter how abusive she is. They can be highly intelligent, but also fear being on their own so will always allow for the abuse their partner heaps upon them and others.

Just imagine how hard it is for a Mother to accept that a daughter is a Narcissist and abuses other family members. They do not want it to believe it and even when faced with insurmountable evidence will only ever want to see the good in them. The very best that you can ever do is manage your own emotional state around family members who are not strong enough or just cannot allow themselves to accept the reality that a Narcissist lives within the family. It is not their fault they are not as strong or switched on as you. The truth is they actually can see these things, but like so many people fear change and loss.

Sometimes as good as it ever gets for us, is to know that we are not going to be abused by the resident family Narcissist ever again and until others around us are willing to open their eyes, we are alone and have to do battle on our own. 

For further help if you are suffering from abuse

Read "Monsters Live Amongst Us"

Available in Amazon In Paperback and Kindle

This is a first of its kind self-help book for defeating Narcissistic abuse.

 It has already been described as:-

"The best book ever written about recovering from Narcissistic abuse"
  "A Self Defence for the Mind, which everyone should read" 

To read a sample or purchase click here

How I finally beat my Narcissistic abuser/ This was my turning point.

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who has bought a copy of “Monsters Live Amongst us”, I have been blown away by how many copies have sold within the first few days and the feedback I have received from everyone. So nice especially as proceeds are going to my friends Gofundme page, to enable him to bury his Mother respectfully.

Many years ago I was totally in the grip of a Narcissistic abuser but I actually did not even realise it. This is a problem which so many of my visiting clients experience, we are being abused and have been made to feel so bad about ourselves, that we do not even see it.

 However one night the most incredible thing happened to me, I totally changed my situation as I was inspired by something a friend said. I was able to turn my life around and I stopped my abuser in their tracks, with just a change of thought.

I had been telling my friend what was happening to me and she was taking a very positive and supportive approach. She told me a story of how I should except my abuser as a dark light into my life and thank them for all that they had done for me.

I listened and thought on the story she had told me how I should approach my abuser with gratitude and thanks. So I decided that this would be the way forward for me.

 Then something happened to me and I know that this was the turning point in my life. I realised for the first time that this person had been using and abusing me and I had not wanted to even see it. I was not the problem, they were.  This person was a Narcissist and nothing I could do would ever change that. They would never ever change as they did not want to and the abuse would continue unless I did something. I could choose to approach them with a positive attitude and see them as this great dark light who was actually helping me, but what would that do?

Then it struck me. “If I approached them this way, it would just allow them to abuse me even more and tie my mind and emotions up in further knots. I could not take any more of their abuse. It was time to take back my mind and my life back from them”    

It was this thought which led me to make the following and most empower act of my life.

My minds just seemed to clear and I lost all of my concerns over confronting this person. I knew I had nothing more to lose and everything to gain.  

I found them, walked up to them and………I let them have it with both heavily loaded and fully automatic barrels. I calmly and firmly told them everything which I had discovered and realised about them, including how abusive they had been to me and all of the other people within their lives.  I did the one thing which a Narcissist cannot stand, I confronted them with a huge shot of reality.  I dragged them so far out of their own distorted Narcissistic comfort zone and when I did this, they did the one thing I had never seen them do.  They froze, they totally froze and were at a loss for words!!! It was incredible, I had held this huge reality mirror up to this highly manipulative Narcissist and forced them to face who they were and the number of people they had hurt and lives they had destroyed.  

As I continued I just felt all of my power and emotional control return and I knew at this point in my life, that I had changed and I would never be the same again.  When I was done, I walked away and new that the balance of power had totally shifted, this person would never abuse me again.

The Narcissist now realising that the game was up, did the only thing a Narcissist could do………….they fled leaving my life forever. As they knew that their time of abusing me was over, there was no reason for them to remain in my life. It was a real measure of this person and I had finally pulled their Narcissist mask off and exposed them for who they really were.

I have always been thankful for my friend for the advice they gave me that night, as it made brought it to my awareness that to eject an abuser from your life, you do not do it by approaching them with positivity and kindness. You do it by accepting that unless you change your mindset, stand your ground and force your abuser into reality, it will never stop.

For further help if you are suffering from abuse

Read "Monsters Live Amongst Us"

Available in Amazon In Paperback and Kindle

 
This is a first of its kind self-help book for defeating Narcissistic abuse.

 It has already been described as:-

"The best book ever written about recovering from Narcissistic abuse"
  "A Self Defence for the Mind, which everyone should read" 

To read a sample or purchase click here

Monsters Live Amongst us, Out now on Amazon in Paperback and on Kindle

Today sees the launch of a totally 

unique new book on how to deal with 

Narcissists and Narcissistic Abuse.  

Buy it now in Paperback and on Kindle

As someone who works with victims of Narcissistic abuse and a survivor of Narcissistic abuse myself, I wanted to write a book that will help you spot and stop Narcissistic abuse, then heal and recover from it and learn how to fight back. 

This book is totally original and shows you how to not only reclaim your life but never be abused again. It has already been described as a self-defence manual for the mind.

Let me tell you more about it.

Do you suspect that you are being abused by a Narcissist, or are you concerned that one of your friends or family is? Have you have ever experienced Narcissistic abuse and been a victim yourself? If you have answered yes to any of these questions then I wrote this book for you. 

Having worked as a clinical therapist and in the mental health recovery field for over a decade I have witnessed the cruel and devastating effects which Narcissistic abuse can have on people. It is one of the vilest forms of abuse that a person can suffer and the long term effects can be very damaging to all areas of our lives. Narcissists will damage our self-esteem, emotional health and mental health, destroy our confidence; drain our finances, energies and ruin our chances of ever becoming our best selves.

The problem is, if you have ever encountered a Narcissist you will know just how impossible they are to deal with and for some people even harder to break away from and defeat. So I have assembled all of my practical and clinical knowledge of Narcissists and helping others to break away and heal from their abuse and put it into this book. I created it to help guide you to safety, teach you to heal and also to be a self-defence manual for your mind. 

As a therapist I have worked with and helped dozens of people to spot if they are in abusive relationships, and then empowered them to stop the abuse, heal and finally move on from it. One of the main problems with Narcissist abuse is that we are all vulnerable to it and do not always realise that it is happening. I created this book so I could reach and help a wider amount of people who may already be suffering from this horrific abuse but be unaware of it.

The book is broken down into 4 easy to follow sections:- 

Section 1 focuses on how to spot a Narcissist and the types of abuse they inflict, including hidden abuse. It also focuses on the kind of person who may be ripe for abuse themselves and what to do to change if you are one of those people, who is repeatedly abused.

Section 2 looks at how to break away from a Narcissist and to start to find your inner confidence again. 

Section 3 teaches you how to heal from abuse and help you to answer those difficult to understand areas of your mind, such as why we return to abusive people and how to stop this ever happening again.

Section 4 is totally unique and it covers how to be mentally strong and defend your mind against Narcissist people. This section is a great read for anyone even if you have not been a victim of abuse. As we will always encounter Narcissists in life and this section looks at the mindset of a Narcissist, psychological warfare and how to defeat them every time. 

I have also devoted a section of the book to what I call verbal Ju-jitsu. This section teaches you how to verbally and mentally defeat Narcissists when you are under attack from them in social and private situations. Finally, we look at the types of Narcissists you could encounter, from covert Narcissist to Narcissist managers, dates and even family members.

This book goes way beyond Gaslighting and it will challenge your thinking, as this is the only way you will ever grow and develop and become strong again. 

I have filled the book with various self-help and healing techniques, which I have developed over the years to help others heal, move away from abuse and fully recover so they can start to no longer see themselves as victims or weak, but as strong survivors.

There are also many personal reflections and accounts of my own life within the book and how I teach you how I overcame the worst Narcissistic abuse of my life, self-healed and learnt to fight and become mentally strong again.

There is no need for this abuse to ever happen in anyone's life, all we need to do is to open our eyes to the reality of ourselves, our world and the Monsters who Live Amongst us, this book will show you how.

It has already been described as 

"The best book ever written about recovering from Narcissistic abuse"
  "A Self Defence for the Mind, which everyone should read" 

Buy it now in Paperback and on Kindle 

Do you have a covert Narcissist within your family and no one will believe you?

I have just taken a call from an amazing person, who after following my blog had the good sense to reach out and speak to me, as they suspected they have a covert Narcissist within their family.

They gave me a description of the family member in question and then described their behaviour, which was highly toxic and manipulative. As we spoke it very quickly became clear from what they had told that they were correct and did indeed they did have a covert Narcissist within the family.

As we spoke further, I also became aware that the person on the other end of the phone was the only person in the family who had and the insight, knowledge and bravery to recognise what was going on and speak up and do something about their concerns.

As many people who have suffered Narcissistic abuse will tell you, being the only one who spots it can often be the biggest problem, as no one else believes you!!

But it is not the case that no one believes you, actually they refuse to believe you and acknowledge the reality of what you can see, by choice!!  As if another family member acknowledges your concerns and then opens their eyes to the reality really going on in their family, they too would have to accept that a person in the family is a Narcissist.

Accepting that a family member is a Narcissist is a very painful thought for many people to take on board and it also means that now they have seen it, they may have to take action and confront them.  

Most people are just happy to write the behaviour off in some form or the other and even make excuses for them. This is actually weak thinking and allows a Narcissist to just run riot.

This weak thinking in others will then leave the one person who can see the abuse within the family (you) feeling alone, isolated and other people treating you as though you are paranoid, or out to get this person.

Now, this is where you need to be careful as everyone starts to play directly into the Narcissist's hands here, by cutting you off from the very people whose support you need. In effect, everyone is doing the Narcissists work for them, playing divide and concur with each other while the Narcissist sits back and carries on game playing.   

So what is the best course of action here? As ever in these situations, your first course of action has to be to remind yourself that you are correct and not to allow others to steer you from your thoughts, or tell you they are wrong. You must not buy into others thoughts and excuses who are not strong enough to stand up to the abusive person. Doing this is hard; really hard as at this stage, you are one going down a very difficult path here, totally on your own. So it is important that you keep positive and good counsel with yourself. Keep yourself centred and focused and remind yourself that you are the one who is attempting to keep yourself and others in touch with reality and what is really happening.

Do not let others dismiss your thoughts as paranoia, just because they do not fit in with everyone else’s world. Most Narcissists rely on other people’s weak thoughts, apathy and know that most people will not wish to see what is happening under their own noses. Weak people will find excuses for abusive behaviour rather than see for what it is, as when acknowledgement takes place, other people will fear that it will bring them into some form of conflict with the Narcissistic abuser.  

Remember, most people do not want conflict, do not know who to deal with it and find it easier to shoot the messenger or dismiss it as paranoia.

So to start off with you may well feel that you are the lone dissenting voice, talking out against someone who has skilfully manipulated others to their side. This is ok and a very natural thing to have happened, remember you are dealing with someone who lives only to cloud others minds and distort reality.

The next step needs to be finding support and help. You will have other people in your life that you can turn to and find support with. Maybe you will find someone who is not within your family, this is ok, as long as you can share information with them and you know that you will not be judged and just listened to. This is a vital step and the person who phoned me today explained how refreshing it was to talk to someone else who understood them, as they felt as though they were the only one.

When you find someone else to talk to who understands what is happening for you it can feel like such a relief and at the same time, you remove that paranoia label from yourself. Yes, believe it or not, so many people want to speak out against family members who abuse them, but do nothing about it, as others convince them that they are paranoid, wrong. So then the person who spotted the abuse starts to question themselves. This is the worst thing you can ever do. Do not let others make you feel as though you are the problem or paranoid when you see Narcissistic abuse happening in your family.

You will need to seek out those who support you before you start to take action. One of the best ways in which we can emotionally protect ourselves and preserve our mental energies is by having someone to talk to and share our thoughts and concerns. When we fail to do this we hold onto too many negative thoughts and can often become stressed and anxious with the situation.

Always remember you are about to face a long uphill battle here and you will need to preserve all of your mental energies to be able to fight and win. I know the idea of preparing for war is not the way that we are taught to go through life, but when dealing with a Narcissist being on a war footing is a vital mindset.

We have to be aware that most people may not be ready to accept the truth and reality of a Covert Narcissist existing within their family, but it is a reality and it may well be yours.

So keep wise counsel with yourself and chose carefully who you disclose to, as you may end up fighting against family members who are not yet willing to open their eyes to what is happening around them.

For further help if you are suffering from abuse

Read "Monsters Live Amongst Us"

Available in Amazon In Paperback and Kindle

 
This is a first of its kind self-help book for defeating Narcissistic abuse.

 It has already been described as:-

"The best book ever written about recovering from Narcissistic abuse"
  "A Self Defence for the Mind, which everyone should read" 

To read a sample or purchase click here