Discover the 2 main disguises of the male Narcissist. Part 1.

So how did you end up in a relationship with a male Narcissist? Easy you did not know that he was one? As, when you first met him, he wore one of two brilliant disguises which will get past your radar every time and always will.

Let me tell you a very short and true story and I promise there is a point to this. This is something that I once did for my ex girlfriend. One day I went out and bought her a new dress without her knowing, I hung it up in hall way of her house and left it for her with a note, so she would see it when she got in. She came home and found the dress hanging up with the hand written note, which simply said

“The children are with your parents, I have made plans for us, wear this and Ill pick you up at 7pm”.

She phoned me up in tears and said,

 “Oh my God, do you know what you have just done?”, “You have just given me time to relax and be a woman and not a mum for once. That is so important and feels so good as it is so nice not to have to just make a decision and have someone take care of everything for me”

Now why did I tell you about that? Well when I did that, I was confident and self-assured enough to know that it would be received positively by my then partner. I also knew the importance of making assertive and positive decisions within a relationship and how much it would mean for her to not to have to make a decision and that she was happy for me to take over.

Do you ever feel like that, do you ever feel as though it would be great to just have someone come and make some of the decisions, take over some responsibilities, so you could just relax more? Of course you do, everyone does.     

Well the problem is that Narcissists are also aware of this need within you as well and they use this to their advantage. A male Narcissist can come along into your life and present as a really strong assertive self-assured male and initially you think, “Great this guy is so confident, I love his confidence and the fact that he will do these things for me”. You think that you have found a strong male. But you have not, as when a Narcissist breezes into your life and initially appear strong and make decisions, what they are attempting to do is take control of your life and you. This “pseudo confident male” is one of the first great disguises of a male Narcissist and a tactic they use to compensate for their lack of self-worth and a great way to take control.

The evening that I planned had a positive intent to it, it was done for the highest reasons: to allow another person to feel relaxed and enjoy an evening. I created something positive for us as a couple, to bring us closer together. Now a Narcissist could actually do something very similar, but if they did it, their intention would come from a much darker place, that of control and manipulation.

Many male Narcissists, will come along and initially do a great many things for you, but they will do this with the intent of making themselves relevant to your life, so you in turn will then start to rely on them as they gain a foot hold on your world. “Picking up the kids from school, so you can work ect”. Suddenly they are a solid fixture and part of your routine. But then something happens, they slowly start to show their true nature as the mask slips, but by then it is already too late and your fake strong and confident male has a solid grip on your world and has started to infect and poison your mind and world.

 So there really is only one question which you need to ask at this point. How do I spot a real genuine strong self-assured and confident male, from a Narcissist faking it?

When I first wrote my book “Monsters Live Amongst us” I wanted it to be a self-defence manual for people to be able to sport Narcissists coming a mile off. The reason being was that I was asked by so many of my clients to do this, so I designed several chapters around spotting abuse and abusers. It is actually easier than you think and there are two ways of spotting a male Narcissist, who disguises himself as a strong and genuine male.

   1. Test him: The relationship I was in at the time when I arranged this night out was a good one and our communication was good. We used to be able to tease and banter with each other. Now had I bought the dress and arranged the night and my then girlfriend had come home and phoned me and said,

 “Lovely thought babe, I really appreciate this, but I`m tired and much prefer a night in” 

My reaction would have been disappointed, but I would have understood her and got it. 

Or maybe if she had phoned up and teased me about the dress and said,

 “Really honey, you want to see me in that thing tonight? Good luck? Good try babe I’ll be ready but the dress is not really me”, 

I would have thought it funny and checked I still had the receipt.  It would not have rocked or dented my confidence and I would have been happy to see her in whatever she had worn and maybe next time, chosen more carefully. 

Now if you are dealing with a guy with Narcissistic intent and you tested him in any way or tried altered the plans, you will quickly find out who you really have on your hands. As the pretend self-assured guy vanishes and the card carrying Narcissist steps forward and rants and raves at your, or sulks or worse manipulates you into what they want.

Woman often test a male and it’s a good thing they do, it’s how you find the measure of a man. Can he laugh at himself, can he be flexible and still remain balanced and self-assured. Does he know what he wants in life and does he obtain it morally, through positive means? When you are dealing with a Narcissist he will quickly fall whenever you test him, let me give you a recent dating experience of mine and how I reacted.

In my life, I have had dates cancel on me, sometimes at the last minute and I have never heard from them again. I have had someone ask me out, then vanish 24 hours before the date! I have even had one woman tell me that she thought I was “The one and that she wanted to have a relationship with me” after just one date and then just 2 days later she told me “that she had decided that she was not ready to date and didn`t want a relationship with anyone”. She then appeared on a dating site within days of telling me this!! 

My reaction was not to call her on this, or rant or rave or shame her, because I am centred and have high self-worth. I did not internalise this as about me and could see that she had no idea who she was or what she wanted at this time. Now how do you think a Narcissist would respond to such a test of their self-worth and confidence?

2. Just say “No” So say I had received an outright “No” that evening after all the trouble I had gone to. Say I had just received a call and she had said,

“Lovely thought, but I`m exhausted and really want a night to myself. I can see you have gone to a lot of trouble, I love the dress but love the idea of a night to myself without the children even more”? 

So ok, my plans and ideas did not quite hit the mark, yes again I would have felt disappointed, but I would have rationalised it. I would have “Understood and Empathised”.

When you face a Narcissist with the word “NO”, it just sends them into a rage, for to them, the word NO, is the ultimate in rejection. They could not for one minute comprehend that another person would have feelings and a mind of their own and just internalise it all as I am being rejected.

This is so fundamental to spotting a Narcissist who has disguised himself as pseudo strong male. The word “No” will just highlight that lack of empathy within them and this is a major red flag.

It’s so seductive, when you think you have someone new in your life, who appears confident and strong and just seems to know what you want and comes along and seems to just fit in. But be careful, it is a story I hear time and time again from people who were vulnerable from their past relationship, abuse or trauma falling for “fake strong males". Remember arrogance, loud or aggressive language or behaviour is not strength, it usually just masks deep rooted insecurities.

If you would like support with any areas which I have covered, you can contact me directly, I work one to one or on skype. My latest book (Monsters Live Amongst us 5 star Amazon Rating) is also available on Amazon 

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