THIS ONE IS GOING TO HURT
I recently wrote a blog regarding what to do if you have a covert
Narcissist in your family and no one believes you. Within days it was viewed by
over 6000 people. Since the post was released I have received calls texts,
emails and clients all wanting further help on how to help if you have a covert
Narcissist within your family.
So I wanted to write a follow-up blog, for everyone who has
messaged me so far in what are the best courses of action to take.
I will warn you, this blog will not be an easy read for many
people, but of those who have suffered abuse, then they will know their options
are limited.
The first thing that you need to do is to acknowledge that
this person is not going anywhere. If you have a covert Narcissist within your
family, you may well be in an inescapable
relationship with them. This person could be a sister or brother in law,
daughter or Son in law. You may even realise that one of your blood relatives
could be a Narcissist, it could be one of your parents, your cousin or even a
brother or sister.
This first step is important, as the usual tactics that we
use to get rid of Narcissists are not going to work, they are like luggage and
we have possibly got them for life. If you suspect that a partner or a friend
is abusing you, you can actually get rid of them pretty quickly when you are in
the right state of mind, but you cannot get rid of a sister or parent that quickly.
So it becomes all about state management.
When I talk of state management, I am referring first of all
to your state of mind. Now, this is not going to be an easy read so bunker
yourself in. If you have a Narcissist within your family then you need to
upgrade your mindset and take yourself to a whole new level.
1. Prepare for
war, this is the only way in which you are going to be able to
deal with this person. They are your enemy and no matter what you do, you are
never going to obtain a positive result from them.
The problem is that we are no longer prepared for war or for
battle, any more and we have lost the ability to fight. No one wants conflict and
as a conflict resolution consultant, I fully appreciate the benefits of
resolving our issues peacefully and by talking and listening. However you are
not dealing with a Normal person here, you are dealing with, a Narcissist and
taking the passive and peaceful route is the road to disaster.
Now as I said in the last blog post, you may be the only one
who has spotted the abuse so far. It takes a very switched on and intelligent
person to spot a family covert Narcissist and an even stronger person to stand
up to them and do something about it. So when you are in preparation, accept
that you will need to spend some time alone with your thoughts until you feel
comfortable that you have found other people to share your thoughts with. When
you have found support through friends, family, or any otherwise counsel then
you need to put yourself on a war footing.
2. Make sure
that you are mentally strong enough to fight. Within my
book (Monsters Live Amongst us) I list various methods and self-help techniques
for making sure that you are emotionally and physically strong enough to do
battle with this person. Narcissists are natural energy Vampires and can be mentally
exhausting to deal with. Sometimes when you have just been in the company of a
Narcissistic person, you will come away feeling almost physically unwell. This
is part of their assault on you; they drain you until you are too tired to fight. So whenever you know you are going to be in
the company of a Narcissist, make sure you are mentally and physically strong.
3. Stay Calm
and Centred It is important that you know how to keep your mind focused
and strong and not allow them to move you emotionally. If they are going to
press your emotional buttons then this is going to start draining your
energies. You have to remain in control of your thoughts and not allow them to move
you emotionally.
4. Keep yourself
grounded in reality. Whenever I see a visiting client, I teach them how to
stay grounded in reality and ensure that everyone around them also does.
Narcissists will distort yours and everyone else’s reality. If you are versed
in how to drag them from their Narcissistic comfort zones calmly and not
participate in their drama’s then very soon you are going to start to take background
here.
5. Be prepared
to partake in verbal Jujitsu. There is nothing more than the
Narcissist loves than to go into verbal public combat with another person. They
are adept at all manner of verbal subterfuge and backstabbing, which will leave
you agreeing to all manner of reality-distorting nonsense. You have to look for
and spot their non-arguments and challenge and reject their verbal Trojan
Horses.
6. Be firm and
direct, but never aggressive. The last thing you ever wish to do
is become hostile or aggressive with a covert Family Narcissist, this will just
play into their hands. If you rant and rave, scream and shout, you will end up
looking like the person who has issues. Now if the family Narcissist suspects
you are on to them, they will have already started to lay traps and hinted to
other people in the family that you’re the one with issues.
7. Let your allies
come to you. If you set out on a campaign to inform everyone in your
family there is a Covert Narcissist within the fold, then it can be the road to
ruin. You have to let them verbally hang themselves time and time again. Now if
you are clever and keep shining a light on the reality distortions others will
start to see what is happening. You can educate other people, with blogs and
books, but until they see it themselves it will never really sink in.
8. Never let
your guard down and always be ready for war. You are not going to change
this person and they would rather go down in flames taking you down before they
pack up their tents and leave. It is never, ever going to get any better, I know that is hard, but it is also the only way you will survive. When you are in their company, be on your guard. Everything they say and do will be for a reason. Nothing they do or say will ever be by accident, it will have purpose and intent.
9. Make sure you conserve your energies when away from them. War is hard and mentally exhausting and you cannot always live every moment of your life in a state of war. Take time to relax, have fun and be around those positive people who support and love you. However do not become complacent, you will have to go back into your fighting stance again, being refreshed and relaxed is the best way to do this.
10. Finally, remember
some people will never want to see it. It is a hard fact for some people
to be able to fully accept that a person within the family has a borderline personality
disorder, especially if the person is also high functioning. I have known Narcissists
hold down successful positions in life, be wives, fathers, mothers, sisters. I
have known Narcissists to land jobs in the care profession and be described as
kind and caring.
There are those people who have low self-esteem who have
fallen under the spell of a Narcissist and feel lucky to be with them. They are
fascinated with their Narcissist girlfriend/ boyfriend and actually fear losing
her, no matter how abusive she is. They can be highly intelligent, but also
fear being on their own so will always allow for the abuse their partner heaps
upon them and others.
Just imagine how hard it is for a Mother to accept that a
daughter is a Narcissist and abuses other family members. They do not want it to
believe it and even when faced with insurmountable evidence will only ever want
to see the good in them. The very best that you can ever do is manage your own
emotional state around family members who are not strong enough or just cannot
allow themselves to accept the reality that a Narcissist lives within the
family. It is not their fault they are not as strong or switched on as you. The
truth is they actually can see these things, but like so many people fear
change and loss.
Sometimes as good as it ever gets for us, is to know that we
are not going to be abused by the resident family Narcissist ever again and
until others around us are willing to open their eyes, we are alone and have to
do battle on our own.
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