We have all
read of cases where those who have been a victim of abuse have just suddenly
snapped and were unable to take any more abuse. It is that slow manipulative,
wearing down of a person`s emotions that just leads them to that state where
they can no longer cope any longer and just cave in. The problem is that we
only ever really become aware of this state in others or ourselves when the car
is almost careering over the edge of the cliff and about to crash and burn. But
the car does not have to go over the cliff; we just need to think things
through from a much earlier stage.
I often tell visiting clients the following. “Have a plan for yourself, as if not someone will have a plan for you. If you aimlessly drift around in a small boat you will end up in a destination, not of your choosing. However, if you have a map, compass and a firm handle on the rudder then you will not only know where you are going but will get there under your own steam. But to do this and avoid falling into that state of breaking point, we have to start to take responsibility for our lives, both in work and personal situations and for some people this can actually take some effort. Now those of Narcissistic intent will always be on the lookout for those people who seek comfort in others taking the reins and not wanting to be responsible for organising their own world. Whenever anyone offers to take something off of our hands, we are usually pleased, but we have to be aware as this will come at a price. Just like that person who takes charge of booking a holiday and all of the trips and travel, they may have spent the extra time doing it, but in that situation, they have more control and interest than anyone else. You may be thinking, but how does this stop a Narcissist pushing me to the point where I snap and lose the plot. Let us look at things from inside the mind of a Narcissist for a minute. Taking control over every and any situation gives the Narcissist so many of the things that they desire, the power to say who does what, being the centre of attention, controlling the outcomes and one of their favourite toys, assumed or pseudo-authority. Pseudo authority is one of the reasons why so many Narcissists lie about their past and achievements, as it allows them to bring a false authority to any situation. If we believe that someone has a background in law, we would give more weight to their thoughts than someone who does not have a legal background regarding a legal argument. When we let someone start to take control of those things in our lives, they start to take on the Pseudo authority figure in our lives and our worlds. “I know what is best for you” “I won at a game of Monopoly, which is why I control the family budget” It is not real authority, but we just start to accept that they are an organiser and good at these things. When the reality is that they are no better at these things than anyone else, they just know that the one who pics up the phone and takes control is perceived in this way.
This is how it starts what Narcissistic people, they come into your lives and start picking up the phone and taking care of those things that you would rather not. Sorting out the mundane and dull and little by little assuming more and more pseudo authority and control in your life. So it is only a small step till they are taking on much more control and responsibility in your world, putting themselves into the role of rescuer more and more, till you make the worst mistake and start to, rely on this. When you become reliant on any one person or thing, you are incredibly vulnerable and if that person is a Narcissist, then this is the point where they will start to press those all-important emotional buttons in you. The odd comment such as “What would you do without me”. “Just as well I was here to sort this out”, then they cleverly turn this comments outward to chip away at you “You’re a complete mess without me” “If we leave it to you, then it will all go wrong”. These comments are always playful and often said in front of others, to again demonstrate their fake authority and control of a situation. This reinforces your inability to do, in front of others and really starts to destabilise you. Then before long some of the more frequent Narcissistic patterns and strategies start to emerge, Gaslighting or more subtle manipulations, such as reality distortion occurs.
But it does not have to be this way for you and you only need to do one simple thing to prevent yourself from falling victim to these manipulations. You can head a Narcissist off at the pass, but it requires you to do something that so many people struggle with, taking action!!
Whenever you read any self-help book, they will often tell you that the final step after all of your planning and motivation is to take action. Well, when it comes to Narcissists, you have to forget this slow strategy and change the game. You need to be the one with their hand up first, taking hold of the map and the phone and taking action. We do not take action, as we fear failure and not knowing what we are going to do. But it is better to take action and not have a plan with a Narcissist, than thinking through every possible action and waiting a week to plan your perfectly executed strategy. Even if you are the one who verbally states “No, It is ok, I have got this” you will start to feel that you are taking back control and it will show you as a stronger person to others.
I often tell visiting clients the following. “Have a plan for yourself, as if not someone will have a plan for you. If you aimlessly drift around in a small boat you will end up in a destination, not of your choosing. However, if you have a map, compass and a firm handle on the rudder then you will not only know where you are going but will get there under your own steam. But to do this and avoid falling into that state of breaking point, we have to start to take responsibility for our lives, both in work and personal situations and for some people this can actually take some effort. Now those of Narcissistic intent will always be on the lookout for those people who seek comfort in others taking the reins and not wanting to be responsible for organising their own world. Whenever anyone offers to take something off of our hands, we are usually pleased, but we have to be aware as this will come at a price. Just like that person who takes charge of booking a holiday and all of the trips and travel, they may have spent the extra time doing it, but in that situation, they have more control and interest than anyone else. You may be thinking, but how does this stop a Narcissist pushing me to the point where I snap and lose the plot. Let us look at things from inside the mind of a Narcissist for a minute. Taking control over every and any situation gives the Narcissist so many of the things that they desire, the power to say who does what, being the centre of attention, controlling the outcomes and one of their favourite toys, assumed or pseudo-authority. Pseudo authority is one of the reasons why so many Narcissists lie about their past and achievements, as it allows them to bring a false authority to any situation. If we believe that someone has a background in law, we would give more weight to their thoughts than someone who does not have a legal background regarding a legal argument. When we let someone start to take control of those things in our lives, they start to take on the Pseudo authority figure in our lives and our worlds. “I know what is best for you” “I won at a game of Monopoly, which is why I control the family budget” It is not real authority, but we just start to accept that they are an organiser and good at these things. When the reality is that they are no better at these things than anyone else, they just know that the one who pics up the phone and takes control is perceived in this way.
This is how it starts what Narcissistic people, they come into your lives and start picking up the phone and taking care of those things that you would rather not. Sorting out the mundane and dull and little by little assuming more and more pseudo authority and control in your life. So it is only a small step till they are taking on much more control and responsibility in your world, putting themselves into the role of rescuer more and more, till you make the worst mistake and start to, rely on this. When you become reliant on any one person or thing, you are incredibly vulnerable and if that person is a Narcissist, then this is the point where they will start to press those all-important emotional buttons in you. The odd comment such as “What would you do without me”. “Just as well I was here to sort this out”, then they cleverly turn this comments outward to chip away at you “You’re a complete mess without me” “If we leave it to you, then it will all go wrong”. These comments are always playful and often said in front of others, to again demonstrate their fake authority and control of a situation. This reinforces your inability to do, in front of others and really starts to destabilise you. Then before long some of the more frequent Narcissistic patterns and strategies start to emerge, Gaslighting or more subtle manipulations, such as reality distortion occurs.
But it does not have to be this way for you and you only need to do one simple thing to prevent yourself from falling victim to these manipulations. You can head a Narcissist off at the pass, but it requires you to do something that so many people struggle with, taking action!!
Whenever you read any self-help book, they will often tell you that the final step after all of your planning and motivation is to take action. Well, when it comes to Narcissists, you have to forget this slow strategy and change the game. You need to be the one with their hand up first, taking hold of the map and the phone and taking action. We do not take action, as we fear failure and not knowing what we are going to do. But it is better to take action and not have a plan with a Narcissist, than thinking through every possible action and waiting a week to plan your perfectly executed strategy. Even if you are the one who verbally states “No, It is ok, I have got this” you will start to feel that you are taking back control and it will show you as a stronger person to others.
Look at it this way, you may not know exactly where you are going to start off with, but if you are programming the satnav and have your hands on the steering wheel, then you can change direction any time you wish.
Remember when you start to take back control of all of the small things in your life, you will start to realise your ability to achieve your full potential and see your self-worth.
For further help if you are suffering from abuse
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