I have just
taken a call from an amazing person, who after following my blog had the good sense
to reach out and speak to me, as they suspected they have a covert Narcissist within
their family.
They gave me
a description of the family member in question and then described their
behaviour, which was highly toxic and manipulative. As we spoke it very quickly
became clear from what they had told that they were correct and did indeed they
did have a covert Narcissist within the family.
As we spoke
further, I also became aware that the person on the other end of the phone was
the only person in the family who had and the insight, knowledge and bravery to
recognise what was going on and speak up and do something about their concerns.
As many
people who have suffered Narcissistic abuse will tell you, being the only one
who spots it can often be the biggest problem, as no one else believes you!!
But it is
not the case that no one believes you, actually they refuse to believe you and acknowledge
the reality of what you can see, by choice!! As if another family member acknowledges your
concerns and then opens their eyes to the reality really going on in their
family, they too would have to accept that a person in the family is a
Narcissist.
Accepting
that a family member is a Narcissist is a very painful thought for many people
to take on board and it also means that now they have seen it, they may have to
take action and confront them.
Most people
are just happy to write the behaviour off in some form or the other and even
make excuses for them. This is actually weak thinking and allows a Narcissist
to just run riot.
This weak
thinking in others will then leave the one person who can see the abuse within
the family (you) feeling alone, isolated and other people treating you as
though you are paranoid, or out to get this person.
Now, this is
where you need to be careful as everyone starts to play directly into the Narcissist's
hands here, by cutting you off from the very people whose support you need. In
effect, everyone is doing the Narcissists work for them, playing divide and concur
with each other while the Narcissist sits back and carries on game playing.
So what is
the best course of action here? As ever in these situations, your first course
of action has to be to remind yourself that you are correct and not to allow
others to steer you from your thoughts, or tell you they are wrong. You must
not buy into others thoughts and excuses who are not strong enough to stand up
to the abusive person. Doing this is hard; really hard as at this stage, you
are one going down a very difficult path here, totally on your own. So it is
important that you keep positive and good counsel with yourself. Keep yourself
centred and focused and remind yourself that you are the one who is attempting
to keep yourself and others in touch with reality and what is really happening.
Do not let
others dismiss your thoughts as paranoia, just because they do not fit in with
everyone else’s world. Most Narcissists rely on other people’s weak thoughts, apathy
and know that most people will not wish to see what is happening under their
own noses. Weak people will find excuses for abusive behaviour rather than see
for what it is, as when acknowledgement takes place, other people will fear that
it will bring them into some form of conflict with the Narcissistic abuser.
Remember,
most people do not want conflict, do not know who to deal with it and find it easier to shoot the messenger or dismiss it as paranoia.
So to start off
with you may well feel that you are the lone dissenting voice, talking out
against someone who has skilfully manipulated others to their side. This is ok
and a very natural thing to have happened, remember you are dealing with
someone who lives only to cloud others minds and distort reality.
The next
step needs to be finding support and help. You will have other people in your
life that you can turn to and find support with. Maybe you will find someone
who is not within your family, this is ok, as long as you can share information
with them and you know that you will not be judged and just listened to. This
is a vital step and the person who phoned me today explained how refreshing it
was to talk to someone else who understood them, as they felt as though they
were the only one.
When you
find someone else to talk to who understands what is happening for you it can
feel like such a relief and at the same time, you remove that paranoia label
from yourself. Yes, believe it or not, so many people want to speak out against
family members who abuse them, but do nothing about it, as others convince them
that they are paranoid, wrong. So then the person who spotted the abuse starts
to question themselves. This is the worst thing you can ever do. Do not let
others make you feel as though you are the problem or paranoid when you see
Narcissistic abuse happening in your family.
You will
need to seek out those who support you before you start to take action. One of
the best ways in which we can emotionally protect ourselves and preserve our
mental energies is by having someone to talk to and share our thoughts and concerns. When we fail to do this we hold onto too many negative thoughts and can
often become stressed and anxious with the situation.
Always remember
you are about to face a long uphill battle here and you will need to preserve all
of your mental energies to be able to fight and win. I know the idea of preparing
for war is not the way that we are taught to go through life, but when dealing
with a Narcissist being on a war footing is a vital mindset.
We have to
be aware that most people may not be ready to accept the truth and reality of a
Covert Narcissist existing within their family, but it is a reality and it may
well be yours.
So keep wise
counsel with yourself and chose carefully who you disclose to, as you may end
up fighting against family members who are not yet willing to open their eyes
to what is happening around them.
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