What to do If you have a covert Narcissist in your family part 2. PREPARE FOR WAR!!!

THIS ONE IS GOING TO HURT 

I recently wrote a blog regarding what to do if you have a covert Narcissist in your family and no one believes you. Within days it was viewed by over 6000 people. Since the post was released I have received calls texts, emails and clients all wanting further help on how to help if you have a covert Narcissist within your family.

So I wanted to write a follow-up blog, for everyone who has messaged me so far in what are the best courses of action to take.

I will warn you, this blog will not be an easy read for many people, but of those who have suffered abuse, then they will know their options are limited.

The first thing that you need to do is to acknowledge that this person is not going anywhere. If you have a covert Narcissist within your family,  you may well be in an inescapable relationship with them. This person could be a sister or brother in law, daughter or Son in law. You may even realise that one of your blood relatives could be a Narcissist, it could be one of your parents, your cousin or even a brother or sister.

This first step is important, as the usual tactics that we use to get rid of Narcissists are not going to work, they are like luggage and we have possibly got them for life. If you suspect that a partner or a friend is abusing you, you can actually get rid of them pretty quickly when you are in the right state of mind, but you cannot get rid of a sister or parent that quickly. So it becomes all about state management.

When I talk of state management, I am referring first of all to your state of mind. Now, this is not going to be an easy read so bunker yourself in. If you have a Narcissist within your family then you need to upgrade your mindset and take yourself to a whole new level.

1. Prepare for war, this is the only way in which you are going to be able to deal with this person. They are your enemy and no matter what you do, you are never going to obtain a positive result from them.

The problem is that we are no longer prepared for war or for battle, any more and we have lost the ability to fight. No one wants conflict and as a conflict resolution consultant, I fully appreciate the benefits of resolving our issues peacefully and by talking and listening. However you are not dealing with a Normal person here, you are dealing with, a Narcissist and taking the passive and peaceful route is the road to disaster.

Now as I said in the last blog post, you may be the only one who has spotted the abuse so far. It takes a very switched on and intelligent person to spot a family covert Narcissist and an even stronger person to stand up to them and do something about it. So when you are in preparation, accept that you will need to spend some time alone with your thoughts until you feel comfortable that you have found other people to share your thoughts with. When you have found support through friends, family, or any otherwise counsel then you need to put yourself on a war footing.

2. Make sure that you are mentally strong enough to fight. Within my book (Monsters Live Amongst us) I list various methods and self-help techniques for making sure that you are emotionally and physically strong enough to do battle with this person. Narcissists are natural energy Vampires and can be mentally exhausting to deal with. Sometimes when you have just been in the company of a Narcissistic person, you will come away feeling almost physically unwell. This is part of their assault on you; they drain you until you are too tired to fight.  So whenever you know you are going to be in the company of a Narcissist, make sure you are mentally and physically strong.

3. Stay Calm and Centred It is important that you know how to keep your mind focused and strong and not allow them to move you emotionally. If they are going to press your emotional buttons then this is going to start draining your energies. You have to remain in control of your thoughts and not allow them to move you emotionally.

4. Keep yourself grounded in reality. Whenever I see a visiting client, I teach them how to stay grounded in reality and ensure that everyone around them also does. Narcissists will distort yours and everyone else’s reality. If you are versed in how to drag them from their Narcissistic comfort zones calmly and not participate in their drama’s then very soon you are going to start to take background here.

5. Be prepared to partake in verbal Jujitsu. There is nothing more than the Narcissist loves than to go into verbal public combat with another person. They are adept at all manner of verbal subterfuge and backstabbing, which will leave you agreeing to all manner of reality-distorting nonsense. You have to look for and spot their non-arguments and challenge and reject their verbal Trojan Horses.

6. Be firm and direct, but never aggressive. The last thing you ever wish to do is become hostile or aggressive with a covert Family Narcissist, this will just play into their hands. If you rant and rave, scream and shout, you will end up looking like the person who has issues. Now if the family Narcissist suspects you are on to them, they will have already started to lay traps and hinted to other people in the family that you’re the one with issues.

7. Let your allies come to you. If you set out on a campaign to inform everyone in your family there is a Covert Narcissist within the fold, then it can be the road to ruin. You have to let them verbally hang themselves time and time again. Now if you are clever and keep shining a light on the reality distortions others will start to see what is happening. You can educate other people, with blogs and books, but until they see it themselves it will never really sink in.

8. Never let your guard down and always be ready for war. You are not going to change this person and they would rather go down in flames taking you down before they pack up their tents and leave. It is never, ever going to get any better, I know that is hard, but it is also the only way you will survive. When you are in their company, be on your guard. Everything they say and do will be for a reason. Nothing they do or say will ever be by accident, it will have purpose and intent. 

9. Make sure you conserve your energies when away from them. War is hard and mentally exhausting and you cannot always live every moment of your life in a state of war. Take time to relax, have fun and be around those positive people who support and love you. However do not become complacent, you will have to go back into your fighting stance again, being refreshed and relaxed is the best way to do this.   

10. Finally, remember some people will never want to see it. It is a hard fact for some people to be able to fully accept that a person within the family has a borderline personality disorder, especially if the person is also high functioning. I have known Narcissists hold down successful positions in life, be wives, fathers, mothers, sisters. I have known Narcissists to land jobs in the care profession and be described as kind and caring.  

There are those people who have low self-esteem who have fallen under the spell of a Narcissist and feel lucky to be with them. They are fascinated with their Narcissist girlfriend/ boyfriend and actually fear losing her, no matter how abusive she is. They can be highly intelligent, but also fear being on their own so will always allow for the abuse their partner heaps upon them and others.

Just imagine how hard it is for a Mother to accept that a daughter is a Narcissist and abuses other family members. They do not want it to believe it and even when faced with insurmountable evidence will only ever want to see the good in them. The very best that you can ever do is manage your own emotional state around family members who are not strong enough or just cannot allow themselves to accept the reality that a Narcissist lives within the family. It is not their fault they are not as strong or switched on as you. The truth is they actually can see these things, but like so many people fear change and loss.

Sometimes as good as it ever gets for us, is to know that we are not going to be abused by the resident family Narcissist ever again and until others around us are willing to open their eyes, we are alone and have to do battle on our own. 

For further help if you are suffering from abuse

Read "Monsters Live Amongst Us"

Available in Amazon In Paperback and Kindle

This is a first of its kind self-help book for defeating Narcissistic abuse.

 It has already been described as:-

"The best book ever written about recovering from Narcissistic abuse"
  "A Self Defence for the Mind, which everyone should read" 

To read a sample or purchase click here

How I finally beat my Narcissistic abuser/ This was my turning point.

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who has bought a copy of “Monsters Live Amongst us”, I have been blown away by how many copies have sold within the first few days and the feedback I have received from everyone. So nice especially as proceeds are going to my friends Gofundme page, to enable him to bury his Mother respectfully.

Many years ago I was totally in the grip of a Narcissistic abuser but I actually did not even realise it. This is a problem which so many of my visiting clients experience, we are being abused and have been made to feel so bad about ourselves, that we do not even see it.

 However one night the most incredible thing happened to me, I totally changed my situation as I was inspired by something a friend said. I was able to turn my life around and I stopped my abuser in their tracks, with just a change of thought.

I had been telling my friend what was happening to me and she was taking a very positive and supportive approach. She told me a story of how I should except my abuser as a dark light into my life and thank them for all that they had done for me.

I listened and thought on the story she had told me how I should approach my abuser with gratitude and thanks. So I decided that this would be the way forward for me.

 Then something happened to me and I know that this was the turning point in my life. I realised for the first time that this person had been using and abusing me and I had not wanted to even see it. I was not the problem, they were.  This person was a Narcissist and nothing I could do would ever change that. They would never ever change as they did not want to and the abuse would continue unless I did something. I could choose to approach them with a positive attitude and see them as this great dark light who was actually helping me, but what would that do?

Then it struck me. “If I approached them this way, it would just allow them to abuse me even more and tie my mind and emotions up in further knots. I could not take any more of their abuse. It was time to take back my mind and my life back from them”    

It was this thought which led me to make the following and most empower act of my life.

My minds just seemed to clear and I lost all of my concerns over confronting this person. I knew I had nothing more to lose and everything to gain.  

I found them, walked up to them and………I let them have it with both heavily loaded and fully automatic barrels. I calmly and firmly told them everything which I had discovered and realised about them, including how abusive they had been to me and all of the other people within their lives.  I did the one thing which a Narcissist cannot stand, I confronted them with a huge shot of reality.  I dragged them so far out of their own distorted Narcissistic comfort zone and when I did this, they did the one thing I had never seen them do.  They froze, they totally froze and were at a loss for words!!! It was incredible, I had held this huge reality mirror up to this highly manipulative Narcissist and forced them to face who they were and the number of people they had hurt and lives they had destroyed.  

As I continued I just felt all of my power and emotional control return and I knew at this point in my life, that I had changed and I would never be the same again.  When I was done, I walked away and new that the balance of power had totally shifted, this person would never abuse me again.

The Narcissist now realising that the game was up, did the only thing a Narcissist could do………….they fled leaving my life forever. As they knew that their time of abusing me was over, there was no reason for them to remain in my life. It was a real measure of this person and I had finally pulled their Narcissist mask off and exposed them for who they really were.

I have always been thankful for my friend for the advice they gave me that night, as it made brought it to my awareness that to eject an abuser from your life, you do not do it by approaching them with positivity and kindness. You do it by accepting that unless you change your mindset, stand your ground and force your abuser into reality, it will never stop.

For further help if you are suffering from abuse

Read "Monsters Live Amongst Us"

Available in Amazon In Paperback and Kindle

 
This is a first of its kind self-help book for defeating Narcissistic abuse.

 It has already been described as:-

"The best book ever written about recovering from Narcissistic abuse"
  "A Self Defence for the Mind, which everyone should read" 

To read a sample or purchase click here

Monsters Live Amongst us, Out now on Amazon in Paperback and on Kindle

Today sees the launch of a totally 

unique new book on how to deal with 

Narcissists and Narcissistic Abuse.  

Buy it now in Paperback and on Kindle

As someone who works with victims of Narcissistic abuse and a survivor of Narcissistic abuse myself, I wanted to write a book that will help you spot and stop Narcissistic abuse, then heal and recover from it and learn how to fight back. 

This book is totally original and shows you how to not only reclaim your life but never be abused again. It has already been described as a self-defence manual for the mind.

Let me tell you more about it.

Do you suspect that you are being abused by a Narcissist, or are you concerned that one of your friends or family is? Have you have ever experienced Narcissistic abuse and been a victim yourself? If you have answered yes to any of these questions then I wrote this book for you. 

Having worked as a clinical therapist and in the mental health recovery field for over a decade I have witnessed the cruel and devastating effects which Narcissistic abuse can have on people. It is one of the vilest forms of abuse that a person can suffer and the long term effects can be very damaging to all areas of our lives. Narcissists will damage our self-esteem, emotional health and mental health, destroy our confidence; drain our finances, energies and ruin our chances of ever becoming our best selves.

The problem is, if you have ever encountered a Narcissist you will know just how impossible they are to deal with and for some people even harder to break away from and defeat. So I have assembled all of my practical and clinical knowledge of Narcissists and helping others to break away and heal from their abuse and put it into this book. I created it to help guide you to safety, teach you to heal and also to be a self-defence manual for your mind. 

As a therapist I have worked with and helped dozens of people to spot if they are in abusive relationships, and then empowered them to stop the abuse, heal and finally move on from it. One of the main problems with Narcissist abuse is that we are all vulnerable to it and do not always realise that it is happening. I created this book so I could reach and help a wider amount of people who may already be suffering from this horrific abuse but be unaware of it.

The book is broken down into 4 easy to follow sections:- 

Section 1 focuses on how to spot a Narcissist and the types of abuse they inflict, including hidden abuse. It also focuses on the kind of person who may be ripe for abuse themselves and what to do to change if you are one of those people, who is repeatedly abused.

Section 2 looks at how to break away from a Narcissist and to start to find your inner confidence again. 

Section 3 teaches you how to heal from abuse and help you to answer those difficult to understand areas of your mind, such as why we return to abusive people and how to stop this ever happening again.

Section 4 is totally unique and it covers how to be mentally strong and defend your mind against Narcissist people. This section is a great read for anyone even if you have not been a victim of abuse. As we will always encounter Narcissists in life and this section looks at the mindset of a Narcissist, psychological warfare and how to defeat them every time. 

I have also devoted a section of the book to what I call verbal Ju-jitsu. This section teaches you how to verbally and mentally defeat Narcissists when you are under attack from them in social and private situations. Finally, we look at the types of Narcissists you could encounter, from covert Narcissist to Narcissist managers, dates and even family members.

This book goes way beyond Gaslighting and it will challenge your thinking, as this is the only way you will ever grow and develop and become strong again. 

I have filled the book with various self-help and healing techniques, which I have developed over the years to help others heal, move away from abuse and fully recover so they can start to no longer see themselves as victims or weak, but as strong survivors.

There are also many personal reflections and accounts of my own life within the book and how I teach you how I overcame the worst Narcissistic abuse of my life, self-healed and learnt to fight and become mentally strong again.

There is no need for this abuse to ever happen in anyone's life, all we need to do is to open our eyes to the reality of ourselves, our world and the Monsters who Live Amongst us, this book will show you how.

It has already been described as 

"The best book ever written about recovering from Narcissistic abuse"
  "A Self Defence for the Mind, which everyone should read" 

Buy it now in Paperback and on Kindle 

Do you have a covert Narcissist within your family and no one will believe you?

I have just taken a call from an amazing person, who after following my blog had the good sense to reach out and speak to me, as they suspected they have a covert Narcissist within their family.

They gave me a description of the family member in question and then described their behaviour, which was highly toxic and manipulative. As we spoke it very quickly became clear from what they had told that they were correct and did indeed they did have a covert Narcissist within the family.

As we spoke further, I also became aware that the person on the other end of the phone was the only person in the family who had and the insight, knowledge and bravery to recognise what was going on and speak up and do something about their concerns.

As many people who have suffered Narcissistic abuse will tell you, being the only one who spots it can often be the biggest problem, as no one else believes you!!

But it is not the case that no one believes you, actually they refuse to believe you and acknowledge the reality of what you can see, by choice!!  As if another family member acknowledges your concerns and then opens their eyes to the reality really going on in their family, they too would have to accept that a person in the family is a Narcissist.

Accepting that a family member is a Narcissist is a very painful thought for many people to take on board and it also means that now they have seen it, they may have to take action and confront them.  

Most people are just happy to write the behaviour off in some form or the other and even make excuses for them. This is actually weak thinking and allows a Narcissist to just run riot.

This weak thinking in others will then leave the one person who can see the abuse within the family (you) feeling alone, isolated and other people treating you as though you are paranoid, or out to get this person.

Now, this is where you need to be careful as everyone starts to play directly into the Narcissist's hands here, by cutting you off from the very people whose support you need. In effect, everyone is doing the Narcissists work for them, playing divide and concur with each other while the Narcissist sits back and carries on game playing.   

So what is the best course of action here? As ever in these situations, your first course of action has to be to remind yourself that you are correct and not to allow others to steer you from your thoughts, or tell you they are wrong. You must not buy into others thoughts and excuses who are not strong enough to stand up to the abusive person. Doing this is hard; really hard as at this stage, you are one going down a very difficult path here, totally on your own. So it is important that you keep positive and good counsel with yourself. Keep yourself centred and focused and remind yourself that you are the one who is attempting to keep yourself and others in touch with reality and what is really happening.

Do not let others dismiss your thoughts as paranoia, just because they do not fit in with everyone else’s world. Most Narcissists rely on other people’s weak thoughts, apathy and know that most people will not wish to see what is happening under their own noses. Weak people will find excuses for abusive behaviour rather than see for what it is, as when acknowledgement takes place, other people will fear that it will bring them into some form of conflict with the Narcissistic abuser.  

Remember, most people do not want conflict, do not know who to deal with it and find it easier to shoot the messenger or dismiss it as paranoia.

So to start off with you may well feel that you are the lone dissenting voice, talking out against someone who has skilfully manipulated others to their side. This is ok and a very natural thing to have happened, remember you are dealing with someone who lives only to cloud others minds and distort reality.

The next step needs to be finding support and help. You will have other people in your life that you can turn to and find support with. Maybe you will find someone who is not within your family, this is ok, as long as you can share information with them and you know that you will not be judged and just listened to. This is a vital step and the person who phoned me today explained how refreshing it was to talk to someone else who understood them, as they felt as though they were the only one.

When you find someone else to talk to who understands what is happening for you it can feel like such a relief and at the same time, you remove that paranoia label from yourself. Yes, believe it or not, so many people want to speak out against family members who abuse them, but do nothing about it, as others convince them that they are paranoid, wrong. So then the person who spotted the abuse starts to question themselves. This is the worst thing you can ever do. Do not let others make you feel as though you are the problem or paranoid when you see Narcissistic abuse happening in your family.

You will need to seek out those who support you before you start to take action. One of the best ways in which we can emotionally protect ourselves and preserve our mental energies is by having someone to talk to and share our thoughts and concerns. When we fail to do this we hold onto too many negative thoughts and can often become stressed and anxious with the situation.

Always remember you are about to face a long uphill battle here and you will need to preserve all of your mental energies to be able to fight and win. I know the idea of preparing for war is not the way that we are taught to go through life, but when dealing with a Narcissist being on a war footing is a vital mindset.

We have to be aware that most people may not be ready to accept the truth and reality of a Covert Narcissist existing within their family, but it is a reality and it may well be yours.

So keep wise counsel with yourself and chose carefully who you disclose to, as you may end up fighting against family members who are not yet willing to open their eyes to what is happening around them.

For further help if you are suffering from abuse

Read "Monsters Live Amongst Us"

Available in Amazon In Paperback and Kindle

 
This is a first of its kind self-help book for defeating Narcissistic abuse.

 It has already been described as:-

"The best book ever written about recovering from Narcissistic abuse"
  "A Self Defence for the Mind, which everyone should read" 

To read a sample or purchase click here

The Worst Thing a Narcissist Will Ever Do To You And How To Stop It

I recently took a phone call from a very distressed person who said to me, “Please you have to help me, I am destroying all of my relationships, as I am a Narcissist”. I asked them how they knew this and they replied because my partner has read your blog and told me that is who I am.

The person was distraught and I booked them in to see me.  On the day of the appointment, they arrived and turned up and told me their story. After only 60 seconds of them talking it was obvious to me that they were not nor ever had been a Narcissist. I actually knew they were not a Narcissist from the moment I opened the door and they came in, as in all my years in clinical health and therapy work I have never seen a Narcissist who willingly came to therapy to change themselves.

 This is actually the main reason why I tell people who have been abused that the best it will ever get with a Narcissist is for you to heal and move away from them, you will never ever change a Narcissist.   

After 1 session we went over the concerns which my client had expressed and although there had been some self-esteem issues which had affected their relationship, they were definitely not a Narcissist.  They came back for a few more sessions of self-development and by the time they were ready to stop seeing me, it had become obvious to them that they were not in any way at all Narcissistic, but the person they had been in the relationship with most certainly was.

After the third session, my client had found themselves again, gained their confidence, sense of self and were looking for their purpose in life. They also ended the relationship when they started to see the abuse which they were suffering and had not realised.

It was within the last session that I reminded them again and reinforced that they were not a Narcissist, despite what they had been told by the person abusing them. I did this for a very good reason. You see convincing someone else they are a Narcissist is amongst the cruellest and worst trick in the Narcissists playbook. They are actually making someone else believe that they are the problem due to them being a Narcissist and keeping the heat off of themselves. Think about it for a minute, it is like extreme Gaslighting. Not only are they getting away with doing whatever they like to you and convincing you it is your fault. They are adding the extra mental cruelty that you have something wrong with you and it is down to your personality.  It sounds impossible to believe, doesn’t it?  But it happens and it happened to me. I was told that I had something wrong with me and I was even told the reasons for it! I was convinced by someone of an extreme Narcissistic nature that all of the vile things which they had done to me and other people were actually my fault!!

You might actually wonder how someone can do this and how they get away with it, to be honest, it is really easy. When you are caught up in a relationship with a Narcissist and are trapped in the middle of their distorted realities and lies and you are pounded daily with them, you really start to believe it.  I was convinced that I was really bad and had caused everything to go wrong. No matter what I did or said, I was told that “That makes it worse”.  There was no end to the cycle of abuse I was caught up in. But it was clever, subtle abuse and so cleverly laid down over a long period of time that you just don’t see it.

I was lucky and I was able to break the cycle and see the reality of the person for who they really were.  But what if you can’t, what if you do not get that chance? Well if you suspect that this is happening to you, the first thing that you need to do is to start to see your life in greater context than the relationship you are in. Now the very best way to do this is to obtain a greater perspective from other people and the best way to do this is to speak to other people about you. If you go and seek out those real trusted friends and ask them what they think of you and tell them to give it to you straight, you will start to take your first step towards reality. This was my first great step forward as when I told other people about my experiences and what I had been conditioned to believe about myself, no one said that it sounded like me. Believe me, I went and spoke to a lot of people, friends, family work mentors and even other therapists. It was only when I saw myself and my relationship through the eyes of others that I started to wake up to what was going on. I asked them to be honest as well, I wanted a real warts and all profile of me and I got it. The problem is that we are afraid to do this, fear is a great driving factor and Narcissists will know this and use our fears against us. Yes people were willing to tell me of the good things about me, but I needed to hear the other parts, thankfully there was nothing scary there and I certainly was not the evil person I had been lead to believe that I was.

Sometimes we have to look into that great abyss that is ourselves to see who is smiling back at us. When we are brave enough to find our true self, we start to find all of the answers in life. This also forces you into the reality of who you are and not the pale deformed and disfigured personality which you have been led to believe you are by those who seek to get away with abusing you.

On the last session, I could not believe the transformation of my client, they did not even look the same as the person who had visited me several weeks earlier. They had grown in every way and in such a small space of time. They did this by looking at who they were, realising they needed to change and also by knowing that they could easily make positive changes and improvements to who they were. These are not the traits or thoughts of a Narcissist, nor ever will be.

                                      For further help if you are suffering from abuse

Read "Monsters Live Amongst Us"

Available in Amazon In Paperback and Kindle

 
This is a first of its kind self-help book for defeating Narcissistic abuse.

 It has already been described as:-
  "A Self Defence for the Mind, which everyone should read" 

To read a sample or purchase click here